My father,.a
business man with no guts nor heart,and scarce brain,put her in an asilum,where
I was able to go for to visit her only
once in a month.
My mother had
been a painter,writer,musician..a cultured
lady,,,beautiful…intelligent.I already cannot understand how it was
possible that she could marry a so
coarse man!
I grew up almost alone:the books,the one thousand
books my mother had left at home, were my sole companions.
My father
broke,and we became so poor,that,sometimes,I used to go to bed with an empty
stomach..but always with a fulfilled soul.Every word,every line of each one of
the poets I frequently read ,approached my spirit to my mother’s one.
We had no money
for to complete my education,overall due to the fact that I was “diagnosed” as
a prodige,and that condition required a very special attention.
I was seven,and I
already knew all the classical authors,being capable to read them in Greek and Latin(I learned both the classical languages by myself,with a
dictionary,a pen and a copybook).And more:I had memorised,complete,the theatre
of Aeschylus,Sophocles and
Eurypides,the Homer’s Iliad and Odyssea,Hesiod,Titus
Livius,Cicero,Plato,Lucretius,Aristotle,Saint Augustine…
The pure and
sincere joy I found in those works was,however,annihilated by the presence of
that coarse ignorant man,.a true illiterate,violent,woomaniser,prone to
gambling, and abusive.
One day,he said
me he had obtained a scholarship for me:we should move to Berkeley,California.
The arrival to
that universitary town was disastrous:the other pupils abused me,I might suffer
the bad treatments and the depreciating attitudes not only from them,,but also
from my teachers and professors.
I suffered a
lot,being only twelve years old,with their customary violence and ignorance.
For the worst,I
was unable to practice any type of sport.And this is a stain that,in the
American universities,has no place
for any kind of forgiveness.
I had only a
friend,a talented,very talented boy whom,finally,left Berkeley for to go to
Juilliard:he was an accomplished,exquisite musician.I almost fell in love,but
I was so scared,so afraid of his rejection!Thus,I never said a word.
Once,one day(one
cursed damned day!)a prestigious scholar arrived.He was not a common
scholar,but a man whom combined his daily task as a teacher with some strange
kind of activity that awoke my interest.
I went to his
daily lectures,and got more
enthousiastic every day.
Tantalized by his
words,charmed by his promises,I followed that man with all my soul,and put upon him all my terrible need of
affection.
The man was witty
and machiavelic:very astute,he obtained my promise of to work with him in the
future.
He left
Berkely,.but kept writing to me,almost every day.
The phrases were
every day more strange,more secretive,like if he were attempting to hide
something that should be kept only between us.
Several years
later,I worked at his side,following him as I had done since the first day.
I curse myself
for that,I never will be satisfied of to curse myself for to have done that!
He taught me how
to kill;how to torture;how to disembowel spiritually someone whom could be
supposedly guilty of something.
Peace became
unattainable for me.
But this is not
enough:that man took my innocence in a treacherous way.Like in the endless
chess games we used to have.Always the same,.I,with the white ones…He,with the
black ones,counterattacking,pursuiving me,enclosing my pure being in a hideous
mud of manure.My world became a dunghill.
After all that
execration,that man betrayed me…twice….no…three times!!,
if I must count
also that day, when he left me in a
situation that exceeds any imagination,with a monster whom attached me to the
worst nightmare.
I killed the
monster,but not the nightmare.Because the true nightmare was the man whom claimed to be my “paternal
relief and mentor”!
Finally,he
abandoned me definitively(or so I hope,and,being not a religious person,I
assure you that I even have prayed for that!),carrying on me all the
bitterness,all the spiritual disease,all the feeling of an useless,nonsensical
life.
I was reluctant to give myself in a relationship:but
the necessities of my flesh,that the cursed man had awaken earlier in a so
perverse way,betrayed me once more.
One day…no..one
night,after a hard work in a desolated and gelid place,I offered myself to my
young boss.He appeared to me like a serious man,severe,almost spartan.,but
already capable of to feel some kind of tenderness.
We began to go
out,of course,in the most deep secret:the man was married,he had a son,and,for
the worst,he was into a process of divorce.
He brought me silence , a sort of strange peace,and
some security:understand me,it was not only
for the sex!
It was an attempt
to kill my terrible loneliness,my infinite solitude!
The man never
asked anything.And he never knew what had happened between our”egregious”
former supervisor and I.
But,as all of
this were not enough,one day,being in our new counselor’s mansion for to have
dinner(supposedly with all the team,that never ,never
arrived,however!),the”respectable doctor,writer and professor ” seduced me,carrying me
finally to his bed.Evidently,he already knew that had happened with me
and his antecessor!
And he knew,of
course,about my relationship with the boss.I knew I should shut my mouth and
stay easy…but..God,God!!!I was tired!I
am still so tired!!!!!So tired of this
fatality that ties my destiny to destruction and pain!
Oh..please.please…I
‘m sorry!!!
I’m sorry,Sir,I
never wanted to bore..to scare you
with….
Please,please,do
not disappear..I’m afraid of to have provoked
your rejection towards me…Please,please….Do not disappear,do not abandon
me!!!
Please!!!!
Oh,I am
maddening….
I..I….
Sorry,sorry,sorry.,….
Yours,always…
Dr.S.R.
From F. to S:
My dear,my
angel,my sole light:
I have clenched
my fists as never before.
I was imagining
that a continuous sorrow was making you suffer,since angels must smile all the
time,and your face reveals a profound grief,so profound, that I can foresee the
ocean of your tears falling down.Tears that I,unfortunately,cannot shad.
My teeth are
biting every word you wrote to me,and I assure you that I would devour flesh
and bones of all those ones whom have harmed your divine being.
How can people do
this to you,to an angel,to an innocent piece of heaven fallen among us for to
become an universal blessing?
Let apart my
person:I was born as a curse myself.But you,a young lad whom incarnates all the
talents and beauty should not have been used as a piece of rag by these
execrable individuals!
No,Envy cannot be
so terrible,and,overall,it cannot always be able to win!!
They probably
thought you were weak,due to your soft complexion:but they didn’t understand
that heaven is ingravid,and that it produces only angels,pieces of beauty and
purity that must be kept of any kind of pain!
Ah,if I c ould
embrace you,and let your tears bliss my chest,giving a bit of life to this
petrified soul of mine!
I,myself,was
born,as I explained yet,from horror and disgrace.My parents were circus
people.My mother(they said she was beautiful)worked as the écuyére,dancing on
the horses,riding as an amazon,putting her life in risk with every race.
My
father….or,better,the one whom put the seminal liquor inside my mother
during the cursed night of my sad
conception,was a gypsy,specialist in to throw poniards,while my mother was
riding the horses,launching them in the air,with an ability that was object of
admiration.But he was a violent guy,a drunk,quarrelsome,cowdy subject,always
angry with someone,due to his obsessive jealousy.
One day,he
surprised my mother talking with a man:without say a word,he killed both of them,roughly,mercilessly…He
was put in jail,and probably in an institution,after have been diagnosed of
alcoholic madness.
I inherited the
glare of his amberlike eyes,his tall figure….and my mother’s features…even if
she was(they say,I never saw her,I was only two years old)beautiful as a simple
flower,beautiful as the blossom that shows the light of spring.
I was adopted by
a rich family:farmers,French origins:they had a large cottage that(I remember)
smelled always like fine cheese.
But they did not
adopted a son:they acquired a little slave!
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